Author Archives: Kathleen

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About Kathleen

Spiritual Companion since 2016: A spiritual companion simply converses with one person or small group at a time to explore their connections with the universe or higher power of their understanding. Support, companionship, and mutual growth are keys to successful spiritual direction, along with a safe space for exploration. For 25 years I served several congregations as Pastor or as Consultant to pastors and/or congregations.
Oct26

Reunion

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There’s more to an annual reunion than a collection of activities.We now live in Willis, Houston, Dallas, and Austin, so finding a weekend date is the biggest challenge.

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It is a journey through time that makes the miles between us incidental.

1982, 1983, 1985, 1987, 1989: In ones and twos we joined the Montgomery County Women’s Center in various capacities. We worked at the shelter for battered women and their children; we worked with volunteers; we worked with the community; we educated ourselves and others about domestic violence.

It’s easy to understand that hitting a family member even once is not okay, much less battering over and over as some of our clients experienced. Usually it starts fairly small, with put-downs, insults, complaints, and control. I say “small,” but the effect is much greater. The person you love(d?) and who expressed love to you has special power to make you feel bad even if you have done nothing wrong. Mostly it’s blamed on a dreadful day or an appalling upbringing or frustration about money, sex, religion, or power.

Anyway, we worked at the Shelter for several years then went our separate ways. One year former staff and volunteers received an invitation to the grand opening of the new shelter. What a fine facility! Security, private quarters, food preparation, children’s services, and support for the women give them such an opportunity to make decisions for their lives. They even have transitional housing and a resale shop now!

We “ladies of the eighties” found ourselves around a table to reminisce about the old days. We did everything then. Crisis calls, transportation, intake interviews, supervision, counseling, and even food inventory filled our 12-hour shifts. An occasional batterer disturbed our sleep by pounding on the door and demanding to see someone. We knew the police on the beat, the ones who would help women get their own belongings; we knew the judges who would issue protective orders; we knew about community resources. Often only one of us was on duty at the Shelter, so we did whatever was necessary to maintain safety and a measure of normalcy.

A shared, intense experience forms a strong bond. Since that heady afternoon of remembering, we decided to meet again every year for a weekend. Some of us have been together more often, but for the annual reunion it’s worth a lot of email to find a weekend that works.

Last year was mainly a memorial reunion for one of us, Nancy Harrington, who died in a car accident on September 8, 2011. Shocking news (she was only 58) and a huge loss, but it’s even more important now that the rest of us stay in touch. Jann is the keeper of a photo album. Memories over the years have piled up: restaurants, movies, boat rides, walks and talks, homemade deliciousness. Differences in politics, religion, personality are not even part of the conversation. In fact, we are so different from one another that only the shelter brought us into the same sphere.

Illnesses, deaths, grief and loss, weight loss, job loss, relationship loss …  along with new jobs, relationships, adventures, experiences. After sharing all that it doesn’t much matter how we met. To have the support of friends who are outside your usual circle is just plain rare. Thank you all, Ellen, Gail, Jann, and Vera. Peace at last, Nancy.

Oct12

A New Neighborhood

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I found a Houston apartment last week and have started gathering (lightweight) things with which to turn it into a home. It is a one bedroom unit at Allen House Apartments, close to Allen Parkway and in the area of Montrose, Midtown, and River Oaks. I’m not quite sure if there are specific boundaries to those neighborhoods. At any rate, I’ll be about 3 miles from work at First Unitarian Universalist Church.

Filled with advice from friends and an apartment locator, Jon and I drove to Houston to check them out. We learned quickly that a  nine-month lease is both harder to come by and more expensive than a 12-month lease. We looked at multiple options. One of them was a high-rise with lots of amenities: granite countertops, washer and dryer in every unit, a cyber café, and a personal trainer  who assists residents upon request in the fitness center. For all its pluses, it had an institutional feel–like a fancy hotel instead of a home. There’s not much of a neighborhood; it mostly serves patients and medical staff at the massive medical complex in Houston.

[A side note: I did my chaplaincy in Houston at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center back in 1990 as part of my ministerial education. It was a great experience with many strong memories. My ministerial internship was at Emerson Unitarian Universalist Church in 1992. I haven’t lived in the area since then.]

Allen House consists of the remaining apartment complex after ones across the street were demolished for redevelopment. Eventually these will be gone as well. Sigh. Prices fluctuate daily, so I managed to get 850 square feet for less rent than the 714 square foot unit. Big closets and built-in bookshelves are a plus. Gated perimeter and covered parking will help me feel more secure.

The walkable neighborhood is a draw. The Allen House entrance gate opens directly into a lushly planted courtyard with a gazebo and a couple of fountains that add to the ambience. My apartment faces the courtyard (not the pool–yea!) so I will likely open the front windows to hear soothing sounds of water.

I’m on the ground floor although I had hoped for 2nd or 3rd. Wrought iron stairs and railings along the balconies add to a New Orleans feel. Residents include a variety of age, language, and ethnicity. Some have lived there for decades!

Take a peek at the web photos:  Allen House

Jon and I will both commute–he’ll drive to Houston early in the week and I’ll drive to Austin late in the week. We’ve done this before, so I trust the rhythm will soon become familiar and comfortable. For this nine-month run I look forward to change and I expect  surprises everyday. Any advice? I’m all eyes!

Oct2

Notes from a Successful Failure

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It’s so nice out today. Recent rain and a cooling off period! A cardinal brightens my view and a light breeze carresses this early fall in Austin.

This is a lucky time, a liminal time.  Between jobs I can simply fantasize about my next ministry; anticipate without the burden of specifics; reflect on generalized anxieties that stem from a lifetime of experience.

I would love to know if any of this applies to you, my faithful readers, so do let me know!

Self-deprecation, self-doubt: I am my own worst critic. I’m smart enough and experienced enough to know how inadequate I am to life, to vocation (in my case, ministry). Praise feeds my ego and every criticism goes straight to my stash of inferiority. Compliments from unexpected quarters leave me both grateful and amazed. Loved ones may say I’m great, but how can they be objective? On the other hand, doesn’t self-criticism place me smack in the middle of humanity? Believe in it or not, I know I can do  a good  job.

[Here’s where you can substitute your own fine qualities]: Speaking for myself, I have plenty of experience and ability; a gift for collaboration and synthesis, and a calming presence in groups and with individuals.  Whether or not I am called to a specific place, I can remain confident in my ministerial excellence

Perfectionism: Perfection is perhaps a worthy goal but it is neither attainable NOR necessary! My seminary friend Nan posted a quotation on her computer–“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” She was even more of a perfectionist than I and she was brilliant! The quote was not an invitation to do poor work nor to slack off but simply to say, Do Something and let go of the expectation that it will transform the world. The perfect sermon/essay/column/report is probably still a blank document. Plain paper, blank screen. Just do the writing then edit later if there’s time.

Until something is written there is nothing to edit. Until the text is read or the sermon is delivered there is nothing for reflection. Okay, then, I am a perfectionist by nature and always seek to do my best. However, I meet deadlines and come prepared. My sermons are rich, thoughtful, and full of content and story. My delivery is not flashy even after an acting class and an improv class but I am comfortable in the pulpit with notes or outline and there are plenty of people who like them!

Wounded Healer: I am aware of my family dynamics and from whence come the wounds and scars. I have had ample family systems training and use systems theory in my work.

But here’s the good news. My failings as a professional are simply failings as a person. They are part and parcel of my character. They mark me as human (imagine)!  That very simple statement brings me comfort today. Our work in no way expects perfection no matter how many complaints or snide remarks may be thrown our way. Indeed, ministry expects humanity.

We are expected to do our best with our gifts and challenges and within ethical boundaries. We love praise but we learn to live with the complaints that yea, verily, we disappointed or royally screwed up. Sure, we may not be right for a particular ministry, but we are inherently worthy. At the very least we have significant education, multiple supervisors, mentors, and evaluations along the way, and ever-increasing quantities of life experience. We can model what a compassionate and competent person can do when we fail.

Moving to a new home or city or employment is one way to make a new start, but still we bring our best and worst selves along for the ride.

One more thought. I can let God be God–hold all that perfection and ideal and power that eludes every single one of us–and I am human, just doing my best with the choices and challenges life brings. End of sermon!

P.S. About an hour after I wrote the earlier reflection, I accepted the offer of a nine-month ministry as assistant to the Rev. Daniel O’Connell at First Unitarian Universalist Church of Houston! The previous assistant had resigned abruptly and this is to finish out the church year. Back to weekly commuting to/from Austin as I have done before. I think I will learn a lot at First UU, a church that is anchoring a transition to satellite churches–4 clergy for 3 campuses. Hmm, a 3-ring circus!

Sep28

Crystal Bridges

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About five years ago Alice Walton decided to build a museum. Wouldn’t it be nice to have that much money at your disposal that you can start a museum? 😉 As the daughter of Sam Walton, she can do just about anything she wants that merely requires millions of dollars.

The good news for the rest of us is that museum is free. Sure, you can spend money at the restaurant or in the gift shop or toss in a donation, but all they ask is for your zip code. Sweet!

Anyway, Crystal Bridges is architecturally interesting, built as it is over Crystal Springs in Bentonville, Arkansas (north of Fayetteville). Its collection is American art from colonial times to the present. So a lot of North American history is left out, but it is not completely ignored. It’s a small enough collection that one day is sufficient for exploration. We spent 4-5 hours there; some people get in and out in an hour, though that seems mighty limited.

The guided tour we joined pointed out 10 different paintings (or sets of paintings) and sculpture depicting strong women. Some of these women were the subjects and some were the artists. It was interesting to notice the change in style over various periods. The iconic Rosie the Riveter, brawny and tough, contrasted with another propaganda painting of a smaller woman who was doing lathe work at a steel mill during the same period. The message was that even ordinary women could do this kind of patriotic work while so many men were at war.

After the Civil War, women artists became more visible and we haven’t looked back!

The museum is on beautiful parkland on which sculptures invite perusal along with lovely flora and fauna. Not a bad way to spend an afternoon or a day!

 

Sep26

Women’s News: Silent Women: Why Women Don’t Speak Up

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Women’s News: Silent Women: Why Women Don’t Speak Up.

Let’s change our ways!

 

Sep21

Relationship Talk

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Every now and then a couple’s got to talk. Particularly when transitions are looming, both parties know that there will be changes in their relationship.

The right moment to talk is pretty important, as those of us remember from adverse reactions on other occasions. One such moment comes up when there’s extended time together, like driving all afternoon through lovely countryside. And so Jon and I talked. We’ve been married for 15 years and it isn’t as though we haven’t talked practically every day. This talk was in the context of potential changes in our lives and how it might affect us individually and as a couple.

  • The very things that attract people to one another can irritate when repeated over and over.
  • The tender places or scars from parents or partners years ago remain super sensitive to perceived slights.
  • Mood and headaches unrelated to one person affects how s/he hears the other.
  • Assumptions get right in the way of communication.
  • Even after years together you might be very surprised to realize how you hurt each other.
  • Finding a safe place to talk can save your sanity as well as your relationship.

Two good-hearted people who don’t want to hurt one another will do it anyway. Usually it’s a mistake or a misunderstanding. Sometimes it’s because you didn’t realize it would be a big deal when you went against your best instincts and made the wrong move.

In what ways have you disappointed your Significant Other? How do you get past the old habits and get to the truth? How do you manage big transitions and support your integrity as a couple?

These are not simple questions that to answer once and for all. Relationships over time need nearly constant tweaking and occasional overhauls. I’ve been through a divorce and understand why that it may be both necessary and painful. Better communication would have helped a great deal.

Sometimes the magic works but I think the magic requires hard work to make it even look easy. I’m still learning!                               Discuss.

Sep19

Multi-tasking

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The turn of the year, Rosh Hashanah, a bit of rain and slightly cooler weather has brought me back to life after a long summer.

Multi-tasking today to finish a one page resume (one page!), pack for a road trip, wrestle with an online banking problem, finish laundry for said trip, and meeting a roofer about a leak after said rain have me super conscious of time and efficiency.

Started out the day at Texas French Bread for a yummy breakfast with friends. I wasn’t quite awake enough to choose among the options, but the recommended breakfast tostadas are tasty!

The roof leak ruined a bedroom ceiling and made a royal mess. We did have buckets out and Jon punched a hole in the ceiling to keep the water under some control instead of spreading further. Fortunately we have a good company, Ja-Mar Roofing. Daniel and Lupe did a good job in finding a previous leak and tested it thoroughly. That one came through an outdoor electrical outlet and into the wall. This time my guess is that a seam where two sections of the roof come together is the source of the latest problem. I am thrilled with the rain; too bad some of it had to fall into my house instead of on thirsty trees.

The road trip is just to northern Arkansas. We’re aiming for Crystal Bridges Museum that friends have said is a good art museum in a beautiful setting. Travel is always fun, especially in a car. Side trips are always an option and no one is expecting us at any particular time.

The best part about having “too much to do”? I get much more done. Nothing like a deadline to keep me focused. Writing a blog was not on the essential list, but here ya go!

Sep15

Circle of Colleagues

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A group of trusted peers helps many a person stay sane!

Who but the people in your line of work understand fully the challenges you face? When I was a young woman, recently married and with one then two sons to raise, neighborhood mothers offered a lifeline as we learned by experience and from each other. Since then I have often developed special relationships with co-workers.

As a clergyperson I find collegial connections essential to my formation and continuing education.

Clergy  love the people we serve but we need friends among our peers. They are the folks we can lean on in times of struggle–and there are many! My group of twelve meets monthly if we can possibly be there. We share a devotional time of reflection and ritual. We brag on our successes but more importantly we share the raw edges of our lives, the places where we’re bruised and bleeding. We are bound by mutual expectations of confidentiality so that we, too, have a safe place to be open and real.

Uncertainty, confusion and doubt? Of course.      Requests for advice? Sometimes.      Leaning on one another? By all means.

We hold one another accountable when our professionalism or actions fall short of our Code of Ethics as Unitarian Universalists. Between meetings we often follow up with a phone call of support or a one-on-one meeting. We serve as mentors to one another–either on a formal basis or through simple collegiality.

Then we go back to our ministries, refreshed and ready to serve.

Thank you, colleagues!

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Sep7

Going Home

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Homegoing requires leaving somewhere and someone. This week I visited my dear sister Madeleine, her husband Richard, and the kids and grandkids. On the plane toward home thoughts of leaving followed one another through memory’s nooks and crannies.

Any time I leave my sister I remember the times I left my mother after a visit, even though she’s been gone since 1996. Upon leaving her house, there would be hugs, expressions of love, then waves until she disappeared from view. Then my tears would flow. So much of her was passed down to Madeleine and me–our homes are full of heirlooms and our personal habits remind ourselves of Mama.

Over the year we have said a final goodbye to other family members: grandparents, brother Hall, Mama, Daddy, sister Jean, and cousin Martin are the closest relatives who have preceded us in death–the ultimate homegoing, their ultimate spiritual journey. We will carry their memories for X number of years with no idea when our time will come (or go, as it were).

So much leaving! Children learn to go to sleep, sometimes with the help of a lullaby; parents let their children climb into a giant school bus or head to camp or move into a dormitory or apartment of their own. The prospect of leaving highlights our poignant need to attend to everyday relationships. They’re so ordinary and therefore quite extraordinary. No one can know how or when they might end.

Leave by choice or by circumstance: home, school, job, relationship, country, comfort, tradition. . . . Just go where you must and enjoy the journey!!

A few family pix: the four of us kids in 1957; three sisters and our mother when our brother died; and a departure picture when Madeleine was seeing me off from Columbus in January this year. Farewell for now!

Sep2

Backcountry Gallery

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Photography and nature go so well together. For the photographer it means getting into some of the most beautiful scenery on earth. Lighting, background, equipment, and split second timing can make a good photograph quite spectacular. Every day I get an email with a link by PhotoBotos with a wonderful image and a description by the artist about how and where it was taken.

From PhotoBotos I was drawn to the nature photography of Steve Perry of Backcountry Gallery. When I was planning a trip to see my sister in Columbus, Ohio, I discovered that he would be present during a photo exhibit at the National Center for Nature Photography not far from Toledo!

On Saturday, Sept. 1, my sister Madeleine, her husband Richard, and I drove from Columbus to Berkey to meet the artist (and his wife Rose).

I was particularly drawn to two prints that feature water. Fall Cascades in the Smokies reminds me of similar places I’ve loved.. Color, sound, and texture bring moments of peace and plenty to we who thirst. Dead Horse Point Lightning Strike holds a promise of rain to a thirsty desert. Steve dared to stay for a few more shots while his son Grant was yelling at him to take cover. The two images hold such contrasting viewpoints of one of our most precious resources. As Texas and much of the country experience devastating drought, crop failure, and fire, the increasing demand for water becomes ever more critical.

Now I’m on Steve Perry’s website as his first visitor! click the following link:

backcountrygallery.com.

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